Suffering

Whenever I'm in times of struggle or what seems to be a period of darkness I turn to the book of James. Even the first chapter is enough to wake me up and remind me where my hope lies. 

It's easy to feel like God has abandoned us. Things in our life take a turn for the unexpected or difficult. We feel isolated and alone. I start having those little negative thoughts. You know which ones I'm talking about.  The thoughts where we question God's sovereignty or purpose for our lives. If He were REALLY in control, we wouldn't face turmoil like this. If God REALLY loved us He'd make sure we were happy and fulfilled all the time.

What a selfish view of God I have. 

How dare I assume that I know better than the creator of the universe. How do I have the tenacity to question the path He has set out for me.  James may not be an easy book to read, but it is certainly a humbling one. 

"Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him." 

We made the decision to have a difficult life. We chose sin. And then we blame God when the consequences of our sin come knocking. But we must remember that we don't have to suffer in silence. As lonely as we may feel, if we trust God and the salvation He provides we WILL receive the crown of life.

So rejoice in your struggle my friends, because through it we draw closer to our ultimate bliss. For "every good and perfect gift comes from above".

Equality

I am not typically one to publicly voice my beliefs and opinions. I firmly subscribe to the thought that if someone wants to know what I think, they'll ask.

That being said, something has stirred my soul and prompted me to share with the internet world.

The social networking scene has been inundated with posts shouting about bigotry, name calling, mud slinging, and general aggressive language. Now, I know that gay marriage and the policies that surround it are a very sensitive topic. This post is not intended to preach one side or the other, and I hope that anyone who reads it can support my intentions. So for a few moments, please put aside your own agenda, and instead focus on the people.

The fight for equal rights for human kind has been going on for centuries, and I expect it to continue until humanity implodes on itself. We are never going to convince the entire world to follow one way of thinking - and isn't that what's beautiful about our individuality? I wholeheartedly believe that everyone has a right to their own opinion and should be allowed to express those beliefs...especially when they're vastly different from my own. How else can I learn and grow?

Rather than responding to a belief that offends us with anger or hate, we must look to that person as a fellow member of the human race who is just as entitled to their pursuit of happiness as you or I am. You cannot preach equality and then refuse to give it.

I'm not writing this to say "stop speaking your mind. you're offending me", because i LOVE it when you speak your mind! All I am asking is that the next time you feel the desire to post a scathing comment about someone's way of life, perhaps think of a more loving way to say it.

We must assume the best in people, otherwise we will receive nothing but the worst.

I especially ask this in light of election season coming up. Debate to your heart's content, but please remember that underneath those hateful words is a person who is being attacked. A person that deserves love.

Because hatred cannot walk hand in hand with equality.

I've been a pretty lousy friend lately.

Here I am in a new place, surrounded by new people, and I'm completely overloaded with all sorts of new experiences and information. But do I turn to my absolute best friend in the whole world for support?

No. Instead I leave my bible on my bedside table and talk to Him when it's convenient for me.

What kind of friend is that?

I have this weird habit of pursuing Jesus when everything is good, but I forget to turn to Him when things get tough.  It seems pretty counter intuitive, but I suppose it's the weird control freak in me. When everything is going the way I want, I joyfully praise God for the blessings he has rained down on me. But as soon as something goes awry, I'm determined to fix it on my own.  

When will I ever learn?

I'm incredibly lonely right now.  

Adjusting to new people and places has always been hard for me (and yet I actively seek it out...I should probably see someone about that).  I can be cripplingly shy, and at the same time fiercely independent,  and so I end up spending a lot of time alone.

Alone with my fears and my doubts and insecurities...

And yet, if I would just let Him, Jesus would happily fill that lonely space in my heart and give me more comfort and support than I could ever need.  

It's time to stop fighting so hard to keep my head above water and jump on my eternal life raft.  No more excuses. I have Jesus in my heart and that's all I need.

Dreams do come true

I've been waiting until it was 100% official to announce it, but considering I've been here almost a week, I figured it's time to tell everyone what I'm doing :)

I've been offered the incredible opportunity to be a vocalist on Azamara Cruise Line (Royal Caribbean's luxury brand).  Rehearsals are in Hollywood, FL until August 20th, whereupon I will be flown out to Lisbon, Portugal to join the ship.  Our itinerary is mind blowing- we start by circling the Mediterranean through France, Spain, Italy, Greece, etc.  We then travel through the Suez Canal to Israel, India, and then throughout Asia. 

As for my role, I'm female vocalist number 2 for 4 different shows. They are all cabaret style and feature 4 singers, 2 dancers, and 1 ballroom couple.  Stagedoor to Dreams is the show that we have begun learning, and it is a revue of many classic Broadway hits.  Voices features different musical styles throughout the years- and is accompanied entirely by the human voice. Play, Stop, Rewind is a very dance heavy show with great hits like Footloose and Time of My Life. And finally, Cafe del Amore features songs in English, Spanish, Italian and Portuguese. 

I'm so thrilled at the diversity and challenges of the shows I'll be learning.  I have 2 months to get it all down pat, and I've only gotten started.  My co-stars are wonderful.  We vary from first timers to cruise ship veterans, but seeing as we are the 2nd cast to ever learn these shows, we're all at square one.

So that's my exciting news that I've been so obnoxiously refusing to talk about!  It broke my heart to leave Disney- in fact, it's still very bizarre that I'm not there now.  It's been the one constant over the last two crazy years, and all of a sudden it's missing.  But gypsy Jillian has been itching for some adventure, and God served it up good!

I'll make sure to update frequently, but for now my life is eat, work out, rehearse, eat again, sleep, repeat- so not a whole lot to say on a daily basis. Oh, and the reason it's not 100% confirmed is that it is dependent on passing my medical exam, but I had it the other day in Miami and everything seemed to go well, so barring any surprises, it's all a go!  

So happy I could finally share!

Adventure is waiting!

"life is a road and I want to keep going, love is a river I want to keep flowing, life is a road- now and forever WONDERFUL JOURNEY"

And a wonderful journey I am embarking on, indeed. After almost 2 glorious years with Disney, I have cut the cord and am moving onto seek adventure in the great wide somewhere. There will be more about what this particular journey has in store in a bit- I'm far too superstitious to talk about it in detail until it's really gotten started, but let's just say dreams will be coming true.

This post in particular is dedicated to the wonderful lessons I learned and inspiring people I've met over the last 2 years. I learned incredible patience and listening skills. There were times when I thought I couldn't stand one more minute, and then God would bring me a beautiful smile or a gracious thank you, and I would soldier on.  

I moved somewhere brand new- where I knew absolutely no one- and managed to thrive. I had my first paying performance gig and got more out of it than I could have ever dreamed. I worked over 40 hours a week on a regular basis between my two (at one point 3!) jobs, and still managed to find time to bond with my incredible friends.

And I got to be a Disneyland tour guide! (Albeit only once, it was a grand tour that I'll never forget)

So thank you, Disneyland Resort, Walt Disney World, Universal Orlando, Starbucks Celebration and Santa Ana, for giving me skills and experiences that have changed my life.  And thank you to every wonderful person I have come across that have made me the woman I am today.

I can't wait to tell you about my journey :)

Disobedience

"The tradition of Lent- a forty day sacrifice- is one way of mourning the death that sin has caused in our lives."

Reading about Adam and Eve's expulsion from the garden is difficult. We see God's amazing love for us- that He provided us with companionship and unlimited life. And how do we thank Him? By disobeying His one command. Because we think we deserve to be like Him. I find that my own struggles with sin and separation from God almost always stem from my search for control. Every time I try to take the reigns and make things happen in my life, I end up feeling completely helpless and alone. Pretty much the opposite result of what I was looking for.

So God does punish us for being headstrong and disobedient, but He also demonstrates His undeniable love and forgiveness when he makes Adam and Eve clothing before they go. Yes, He sent them into a barren wasteland, but He did not send them unprepared.

I can't help but feel I'm in my own barren wasteland. Not that Disneyland is torture- in fact I'm cautiously optimistic about my future. But I do feel like I haven't included God in all my decision making lately, and consequently I'm suffering due to the separation.

This time of sacrifice and struggle has been essential in my habit building and journey to complete reliance on God. Genesis 3 is a great chapter to read whenever I start to get too big for my britches. Which is often.

Friends in Faith

Would Jesus want to hang out with me? If I invited Him over for dinner, would He come?

It says in Mark 2 that Jesus came for the sinners- not the righteous. I know I have felt judged for who I keep company with. That I've dated non Christians. That some of my best friends refuse to go to church with me. But I love them anyway.

Then again, I also don't minister to them.

I get so nervous to offend. I don't want to make our friendship uncomfortable by pushing my faith on them. Jesus never feared backlash. He showed God's love to everyone he met, but he also did not hesitate to speak the truth. He said the hard things and people did not always respond well. Clearly.

I guess I'm just so scared of losing relationships over my faith. Of pushing people away. And it all comes down to a lack of trust in God. His plan is so much bigger than mine. And it's not my job to convert everyone I meet. God will open their hears- not me. But it is my job to be honest and open with my friends and family. To sit with my fellow sinners and never stop speaking of God's love and forgiveness.

Heal the World - or just my broken heart

I know what you're all thinking. 2 posts in one day?! This is madness!

To be fair, I actually wrote first one yesterday, I just didn't get around to posting it until this morning. But now I have done my devotional, and I have some things to say, darn it! So read if you dare.

My reading for today was Mark 1, and good grief is there a lot of information in there or what! Let's start with Jesus' 40 days of temptation in the desert, because it's pretty directly applicable to what we're doing right now. Well, to an extent. What kinds of struggles did He face? It's hard for me to imagine Jesus being tempted by any sin, but then again, isn't that at the crux of being human? We tend to brush over things that we consider to be small sins. Like, I'm tired tonight, God won't mind if I skip my devotional. Or justifying being rude to our parents, because after all, weren't they being overbearing and annoying anyway? What about legitimizing telling those little white lies. They'll never know and it makes your life soooo much easier. But sin is evil in God's eyes - It doesn't matter how you interpret it. I just hope to end these 40 days of temptation proclaiming the Good News just as Jesus did.

We then move on to the recruiting stage, where Jesus finds His first disciples. It says James and John left their father and other hired men in the fishing boat to follow Christ. So not only did they abandon their job, but they also left these other men - their own father - high and dry. Could we do that? How would we be viewed if we left work without notice to follow a spiritual leader? I mean, these actions impact other lives. I know I'd be fired on the spot. But isn't the point that we should all be willing to do that? To trust Christ so deeply that abandoning what we know isn't even a question?

This chapter focuses a lot on healing - a great way to start out my Lenten season. This move has been difficult. Yes, I'm back home, I'm doing the job I wanted to do, I'm with people I love- but I miss Orlando terribly. I had a life there. I left wonderful people behind. I have an enormous hole that is begging to be filled. And so it's comforting to read about how Jesus heals any ailment that is brought to Him. It shows me that He can fill this emptiness that plagues me. I don't want to feel regret or sorrow for Orlando. I want to be joyful about what I had there, and optimistic about what the future holds. And if Jesus can cure leprosy and demon possession, he can certainly fix a bout of homesickness, right?

Until next time!

Day 1

Another Ash Wednesday has come and gone. It feels like just yesterday that I was vowing to stay off Facebook for the next 40 days. But here we are, a year later and a new Lenten season has begun.

This year I will not be Facebook free (considering it's one of the main ways I pick up shifts, it would be fiscally irresponsible to abandon it). I could tell you about what I'm giving up this year- but instead I want to discuss the true purpose of Lent. It is not, in fact, a great excuse for a diet. It is a chance for us to acknowledge our sins and struggles, and seek repentance in preparation for Jesus' ultimate sacrifice. It's a time to refocus our priorities and get them centered on Christ. Whenever we have a desire to partake in our chosen sacrifice, instead we turn to God. We pray, or journal. Perhaps we do a devotional and use our learning to continue our quest to holiness. Hopefully after 40 days we have dropped our dirty habit or distraction, and made time with God and reliance on His sovereignty a daily activity.

So yes, my sacrifice is unimportant. It's between me and my Lord. It will certainly require a lot of help, and I expect I will be faced with many temptations along the way. But I am thrilled to take the time to develop a deeper and stronger relationship with my best friend and savior.

I hope that if you have chosen to partake in Lent, that you have an enlightening and inspirational 40 days. And if you are not joining us, please, give us your support! We all will need it.

Good bless- only 40 days (plus Sundays) until we celebrate our God's undying love for us. Can't wait!

Mambo Italiano

First of all, I love this Rosemary Clooney Pandora station more than I love most things.

Now to the meat and potatoes of things:

not that I eat meat anymore.

I start work tomorrow (at Starbucks) and then I have Traditions on Friday. I'm unbelievably excited to get my nose back to the grindstone. Did I just say that? I'm EXCITED for work? I guess there is such thing as too much vacation.

I think it has a lot to do with my need to keep busy so I don't think about how much I miss Orlando. Well, not Orlando the city specifically, because quite frankly I happily washed my hands of that place. No, I miss my people. My family. Yes I still talk to them constantly, but I miss their hugs and their laughs and the comfort they provided me.

Don't get me wrong- I have that here as well. Friday night dress up with Macey was the frivolous activity that I've been craving. But I still feel like a part of me is missing. You think I'd be used to it by now, considering how many random adventures I've been on. But no, I just keep adding to my list of people I miss dearly.

So moral of this story, I'm looking forward to having work to distract myself and also offer an avenue to make more friends. That way maybe I won't resort to watching the Super Bowl by myself. And I don't even like football.