Clarity

I had an intense moment of clarity tonight.

For quite some time now I've felt like I've been trapped by this life I thought I was supposed to have. Nothing I was doing could ever quite live up to these expectations of the path I imagined I'd be on. Don't get me wrong, I've loved so much about my life in the past year - DCP will forever be one of my most treasured memories. But despite all this living I've been doing, it never seemed "right".

Then tonight, I'm driving home from work, listening to some Alexi Murdoch and thinking about life and love, and suddenly, no warning, I'm free. I realize I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be doing exactly what I'm supposed to be doing. It's not just acceptance that my life didn't turn out the way I hoped - it's joy that I have hope. That God's plan is thousands of times better than anything I could think of for myself, and if I could just learn to trust in that, I'll no longer be captive to foolish desires of the past.

When I realized this, tears came rushing to my eyes. Brilliant, wonderful, relieved, liberated tears.

For the first time in over a year, I truly let him go.

And then I watched the Volkswagen commercial Cassie posted on my facebook wall and I fell into a fit of hysterical giggling. Silly Jillian really does have trouble staying serious.

But to sum it up, the lyrics from the song I was listening to pretty much perfectly describe my current state:

Well I have been searching

All of my days

Many a road, you know

I've been walking on

All of my days

And I've been trying to find

What's been in my mind

As the days keep turning into night

Well I have been quietly standing in the shade

All of my days

Watch the sky breaking on the promise that we made

All of this rain

And I've been trying to find

What's been in my mind

As the days keep turning into night

Well many a night I found myself with no friends standing near

All of my days

I cried aloud

I shook my hands

What am I doing here

All of these days

For I look around me

And my eyes confound me

And it's just too bright

As the days keep turning into night

Now I see clearly

It's You I'm looking for

All of my days

So I'll smile

I know I'll feel this loneliness no more

All of my days

For I look around me

And it seems You found me

And it's coming into sight

As the days keep turning into night

As the days keep turning into night

And even breathing feels all right

Yes, even breathing feels all right

Now even breathing feels all right

Yes even breathing

Feels all right

I hope you enjoyed the more reflective Jillian. She doesn't come out in public too often :)

I'm not moving

Training is complete and work has officially begun. Today is my 2nd day on the job without any trainers looking over my shoulder. To be perfectly honest, I feel like I do a better job when I think no one is watching. There's all this pressure to be perfect with the manager and trainer standing behind me. I know what I'm doing, but I can't help but doubt myself with the people in charge right there.

I've had some interesting experiences with guests already! Starting to learn tips to recognize ticket scammers, how to make small talk AND correctly process transactions at the same time, and learning about my co-workers and their stories. Some fun stories of experiences at work? Well I had a guest (who thought he was the funniest man on the planet) work with me for about 45 minutes before he finally decided to buy a ticket to the park. I stood there and smiled and laughed and on the inside rolled my eyes, but when it comes down to it I think I left him with a positive impression of WDW and our Guest Relations team. And that's really the goal, isn't it?

I also had a fun transaction with some Spanish speaking only guests. Now after about 9 years of Spanish and 2 of Italian, I'd say I understand the language pretty well. Sure I'm a little slow and unfamiliar with most of the vocab, but I can definitely get the general impression of what the person is trying to say. Unfortunately, my speaking skills are not nearly as advanced. My lack of vocab makes it difficult for me to get my point across and whenever I try to think of the Spanish word, all that comes to mind is Italian (and vice versa). It's infuriating. So I have this family from South America who is picking up their tickets and trying to get some information from me about how to use them. There was a lot of charades and writing numbers down, but I think I was eventually able to inform them of how to use their tickets. At one point I heard the husband telling his wife that they were wasting their time because I don't speak Spanish, but in the end they left with smiles on their faces and 5 days of fun at the parks.

I predict work to be a lot of the same - like how it was at Disneyland. Working at a Disney park is a unique experience. You're constantly busy, yet when people ask what you've been up to you can't give a very long response. Work is usually slight variations of the same issues - but I enjoy it nonetheless. Even when I have to repeat instructions to the restroom 5 times in a row, each guest is hearing it for the first time. I have to keep that in mind. Every guest deserves a brand new experience.

It relates a lot to my Bible study from last night. We're going through Paul's missionary journey in the book of Acts (which is fun because I've actually been to most of those places...). A huge lesson we can learn from Paul is to be intentional with everything we do and say. Sure I may be giving the same message to the majority of the guests here, but I don't know where they're coming from or heading to after they leave me. I don't know their story, and I have no idea the effect I'm going to have on these people. Paul wants to preach in Jerusalem more than anything, yet God's path keeps him away from it for a long time. And when he finally makes it to Jerusalem, what happens? He speaks once and then gets taken away to Rome. That's such a great lesson that you never know how many chances you are going to get. Each interaction is so important. It can be hard to remember that when you spend 8 hours a day doing the same old routine, but it's essential to really enjoy this job. When you embrace each interaction as a brand new experience, you can never get tired of what you do.

At least, that's the hope.

Aside from work I'm really happy with where my life is headed. I've found some wonderfully fun, intelligent, inspiring, uplifting, and challenging people to spend my time with. I'm getting so many opportunities to develop my faith and witness to the people around me. I'm learning a lot about different walks of life and the stories of the people I'm meeting.

I know God sent me to Orlando for a reason, and I think I'm starting to get a taste of it. And it's oh so good.