Clarity

I had an intense moment of clarity tonight.

For quite some time now I've felt like I've been trapped by this life I thought I was supposed to have. Nothing I was doing could ever quite live up to these expectations of the path I imagined I'd be on. Don't get me wrong, I've loved so much about my life in the past year - DCP will forever be one of my most treasured memories. But despite all this living I've been doing, it never seemed "right".

Then tonight, I'm driving home from work, listening to some Alexi Murdoch and thinking about life and love, and suddenly, no warning, I'm free. I realize I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be doing exactly what I'm supposed to be doing. It's not just acceptance that my life didn't turn out the way I hoped - it's joy that I have hope. That God's plan is thousands of times better than anything I could think of for myself, and if I could just learn to trust in that, I'll no longer be captive to foolish desires of the past.

When I realized this, tears came rushing to my eyes. Brilliant, wonderful, relieved, liberated tears.

For the first time in over a year, I truly let him go.

And then I watched the Volkswagen commercial Cassie posted on my facebook wall and I fell into a fit of hysterical giggling. Silly Jillian really does have trouble staying serious.

But to sum it up, the lyrics from the song I was listening to pretty much perfectly describe my current state:

Well I have been searching

All of my days

Many a road, you know

I've been walking on

All of my days

And I've been trying to find

What's been in my mind

As the days keep turning into night

Well I have been quietly standing in the shade

All of my days

Watch the sky breaking on the promise that we made

All of this rain

And I've been trying to find

What's been in my mind

As the days keep turning into night

Well many a night I found myself with no friends standing near

All of my days

I cried aloud

I shook my hands

What am I doing here

All of these days

For I look around me

And my eyes confound me

And it's just too bright

As the days keep turning into night

Now I see clearly

It's You I'm looking for

All of my days

So I'll smile

I know I'll feel this loneliness no more

All of my days

For I look around me

And it seems You found me

And it's coming into sight

As the days keep turning into night

As the days keep turning into night

And even breathing feels all right

Yes, even breathing feels all right

Now even breathing feels all right

Yes even breathing

Feels all right

I hope you enjoyed the more reflective Jillian. She doesn't come out in public too often :)