Guess Who's Back

Well hi. I'm back. Although that's pretty obvious as this is my blog. It'd be weird if someone else was posting.

Time sure flies, right?

I just read through every post in this blog, and boy was that a trip down memory lane. It was fascinating to see the ways I've changed over the years, and how I'm still exactly the same. It's almost like getting to know myself all over again.

The last 6 years have been full of change, love, heart break, boredom, fear, sadness, joy, regret, and most of all, hope. I can't help but notice a recurring theme of hope for what's to come.

I've never been particularly good at focusing on the positive. I have to constantly remind myself to live in the present, and to appreciate the here and now. I'm not sure that's ever going to go away. But I'm happy to see that I'm constantly trying.

I have a lot to say about my life now, but not the words to express it.

I'm happy.

I'm impatient.

I'm not sure I'll ever be satisfied in my career.

I'm truly, madly, and deeply in love.

And most of all, I'm curious.

Future Jillian - stay curious.

Suffering

Whenever I'm in times of struggle or what seems to be a period of darkness I turn to the book of James. Even the first chapter is enough to wake me up and remind me where my hope lies. 

It's easy to feel like God has abandoned us. Things in our life take a turn for the unexpected or difficult. We feel isolated and alone. I start having those little negative thoughts. You know which ones I'm talking about.  The thoughts where we question God's sovereignty or purpose for our lives. If He were REALLY in control, we wouldn't face turmoil like this. If God REALLY loved us He'd make sure we were happy and fulfilled all the time.

What a selfish view of God I have. 

How dare I assume that I know better than the creator of the universe. How do I have the tenacity to question the path He has set out for me.  James may not be an easy book to read, but it is certainly a humbling one. 

"Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him." 

We made the decision to have a difficult life. We chose sin. And then we blame God when the consequences of our sin come knocking. But we must remember that we don't have to suffer in silence. As lonely as we may feel, if we trust God and the salvation He provides we WILL receive the crown of life.

So rejoice in your struggle my friends, because through it we draw closer to our ultimate bliss. For "every good and perfect gift comes from above".

Equality

I am not typically one to publicly voice my beliefs and opinions. I firmly subscribe to the thought that if someone wants to know what I think, they'll ask.

That being said, something has stirred my soul and prompted me to share with the internet world.

The social networking scene has been inundated with posts shouting about bigotry, name calling, mud slinging, and general aggressive language. Now, I know that gay marriage and the policies that surround it are a very sensitive topic. This post is not intended to preach one side or the other, and I hope that anyone who reads it can support my intentions. So for a few moments, please put aside your own agenda, and instead focus on the people.

The fight for equal rights for human kind has been going on for centuries, and I expect it to continue until humanity implodes on itself. We are never going to convince the entire world to follow one way of thinking - and isn't that what's beautiful about our individuality? I wholeheartedly believe that everyone has a right to their own opinion and should be allowed to express those beliefs...especially when they're vastly different from my own. How else can I learn and grow?

Rather than responding to a belief that offends us with anger or hate, we must look to that person as a fellow member of the human race who is just as entitled to their pursuit of happiness as you or I am. You cannot preach equality and then refuse to give it.

I'm not writing this to say "stop speaking your mind. you're offending me", because i LOVE it when you speak your mind! All I am asking is that the next time you feel the desire to post a scathing comment about someone's way of life, perhaps think of a more loving way to say it.

We must assume the best in people, otherwise we will receive nothing but the worst.

I especially ask this in light of election season coming up. Debate to your heart's content, but please remember that underneath those hateful words is a person who is being attacked. A person that deserves love.

Because hatred cannot walk hand in hand with equality.

I've been a pretty lousy friend lately.

Here I am in a new place, surrounded by new people, and I'm completely overloaded with all sorts of new experiences and information. But do I turn to my absolute best friend in the whole world for support?

No. Instead I leave my bible on my bedside table and talk to Him when it's convenient for me.

What kind of friend is that?

I have this weird habit of pursuing Jesus when everything is good, but I forget to turn to Him when things get tough.  It seems pretty counter intuitive, but I suppose it's the weird control freak in me. When everything is going the way I want, I joyfully praise God for the blessings he has rained down on me. But as soon as something goes awry, I'm determined to fix it on my own.  

When will I ever learn?

I'm incredibly lonely right now.  

Adjusting to new people and places has always been hard for me (and yet I actively seek it out...I should probably see someone about that).  I can be cripplingly shy, and at the same time fiercely independent,  and so I end up spending a lot of time alone.

Alone with my fears and my doubts and insecurities...

And yet, if I would just let Him, Jesus would happily fill that lonely space in my heart and give me more comfort and support than I could ever need.  

It's time to stop fighting so hard to keep my head above water and jump on my eternal life raft.  No more excuses. I have Jesus in my heart and that's all I need.

Dreams do come true

I've been waiting until it was 100% official to announce it, but considering I've been here almost a week, I figured it's time to tell everyone what I'm doing :)

I've been offered the incredible opportunity to be a vocalist on Azamara Cruise Line (Royal Caribbean's luxury brand).  Rehearsals are in Hollywood, FL until August 20th, whereupon I will be flown out to Lisbon, Portugal to join the ship.  Our itinerary is mind blowing- we start by circling the Mediterranean through France, Spain, Italy, Greece, etc.  We then travel through the Suez Canal to Israel, India, and then throughout Asia. 

As for my role, I'm female vocalist number 2 for 4 different shows. They are all cabaret style and feature 4 singers, 2 dancers, and 1 ballroom couple.  Stagedoor to Dreams is the show that we have begun learning, and it is a revue of many classic Broadway hits.  Voices features different musical styles throughout the years- and is accompanied entirely by the human voice. Play, Stop, Rewind is a very dance heavy show with great hits like Footloose and Time of My Life. And finally, Cafe del Amore features songs in English, Spanish, Italian and Portuguese. 

I'm so thrilled at the diversity and challenges of the shows I'll be learning.  I have 2 months to get it all down pat, and I've only gotten started.  My co-stars are wonderful.  We vary from first timers to cruise ship veterans, but seeing as we are the 2nd cast to ever learn these shows, we're all at square one.

So that's my exciting news that I've been so obnoxiously refusing to talk about!  It broke my heart to leave Disney- in fact, it's still very bizarre that I'm not there now.  It's been the one constant over the last two crazy years, and all of a sudden it's missing.  But gypsy Jillian has been itching for some adventure, and God served it up good!

I'll make sure to update frequently, but for now my life is eat, work out, rehearse, eat again, sleep, repeat- so not a whole lot to say on a daily basis. Oh, and the reason it's not 100% confirmed is that it is dependent on passing my medical exam, but I had it the other day in Miami and everything seemed to go well, so barring any surprises, it's all a go!  

So happy I could finally share!

Adventure is waiting!

"life is a road and I want to keep going, love is a river I want to keep flowing, life is a road- now and forever WONDERFUL JOURNEY"

And a wonderful journey I am embarking on, indeed. After almost 2 glorious years with Disney, I have cut the cord and am moving onto seek adventure in the great wide somewhere. There will be more about what this particular journey has in store in a bit- I'm far too superstitious to talk about it in detail until it's really gotten started, but let's just say dreams will be coming true.

This post in particular is dedicated to the wonderful lessons I learned and inspiring people I've met over the last 2 years. I learned incredible patience and listening skills. There were times when I thought I couldn't stand one more minute, and then God would bring me a beautiful smile or a gracious thank you, and I would soldier on.  

I moved somewhere brand new- where I knew absolutely no one- and managed to thrive. I had my first paying performance gig and got more out of it than I could have ever dreamed. I worked over 40 hours a week on a regular basis between my two (at one point 3!) jobs, and still managed to find time to bond with my incredible friends.

And I got to be a Disneyland tour guide! (Albeit only once, it was a grand tour that I'll never forget)

So thank you, Disneyland Resort, Walt Disney World, Universal Orlando, Starbucks Celebration and Santa Ana, for giving me skills and experiences that have changed my life.  And thank you to every wonderful person I have come across that have made me the woman I am today.

I can't wait to tell you about my journey :)

Disobedience

"The tradition of Lent- a forty day sacrifice- is one way of mourning the death that sin has caused in our lives."

Reading about Adam and Eve's expulsion from the garden is difficult. We see God's amazing love for us- that He provided us with companionship and unlimited life. And how do we thank Him? By disobeying His one command. Because we think we deserve to be like Him. I find that my own struggles with sin and separation from God almost always stem from my search for control. Every time I try to take the reigns and make things happen in my life, I end up feeling completely helpless and alone. Pretty much the opposite result of what I was looking for.

So God does punish us for being headstrong and disobedient, but He also demonstrates His undeniable love and forgiveness when he makes Adam and Eve clothing before they go. Yes, He sent them into a barren wasteland, but He did not send them unprepared.

I can't help but feel I'm in my own barren wasteland. Not that Disneyland is torture- in fact I'm cautiously optimistic about my future. But I do feel like I haven't included God in all my decision making lately, and consequently I'm suffering due to the separation.

This time of sacrifice and struggle has been essential in my habit building and journey to complete reliance on God. Genesis 3 is a great chapter to read whenever I start to get too big for my britches. Which is often.